thinking of you..

Have you ever thought of meeting your soulmate? I think I’ve already met mine and let him go away. Yes, I know, it’s so stupid of me. But wherever he is, as long as I know he’s happy, I’m happy. We only get a single chance to meet your real other half, and I think I blew mine. Even if I’d walk the earth for a billion centuries, I won’t be able to see him again. Not in this lifetime, not in any lifetime.

I’ve read that once a person dies, his or her soul is divided into two, a male and a female soul. They’d be separated and placed in two different bodies, race, age, location, etc. At the right age and time, you’ll be let go to look for each other. Aside from doing the routine you need to do to live, working and stuff, unconsciously, you’d be searching for the one that’ll compliment you. Not everybody gets to meet their soulmate. Some perish without even meeting theirs.

I’ve seen what it’s like to be with your soulmate. I’ve also felt what it’s like to be with him, yes, my soulmate. When you’re with the pair of your soul, it doesn’t really matter how difficult life is. You’d never care what’s happening around you and what people think. All you know is that you’re happy, content, and satisfied. But I was dim-witted enough and took him for granted. All these years, I thought he used me and took me for granted, but it was really the other way around. I admit, I am unhappy, lonely and depressed. It took me years to realize all of these.

He had always been there and I never saw that. I asked too much of him or from him that I burned him out. I was the reason why he did what he did back then. I pushed him in doing it and I looked at it as I was the victim. I didn’t know I’ve abused him.

It is true that I’ve given everything up for him, but he placed his life on the line for me without asking for it. And whenever I think of that, it still makes me cry. I still would like to apologize, but I know it’s too late. Much as I’d like to have him back, the question is, would he take me back? I need not to ask him that, because I know what his answer will be. It will be NO.

In this lifetime, I’ve attempted several times asking him to take me back. Even when we were both free, he made it clear that I have hurt him too much that taking me back is like cutting his flesh and letting himself bleed to death. If I could only turn back the time, I’d take back everything I said, admit my mistakes and change the way I treated him. I know it’s too late, my pair is gone. His wound is now a scar, yet mine still bleeds.

If you are reading this, with a heavy heart, I am letting you go. I want you to be happy and I know you are now. To see you smile and gleeful with someone who loves you, will make my soul at peace.

If you are reading this, I hope you’ve forgiven me for all the things I did, from the petty ones to the part where I cursed you to endure the suffering I claimed I’ve gone through. Forgive me for being such a brat whenever I can’t find the things I need. Forgive me for the physical and emotional pain I’ve inflicted. Forgive me for everything I’ve said. You won and I’ve lost. I am happy that you are happy. I hope to meet you again next lifetime, and if I did, I’ll be very careful not to lose you again. I hope the Man above would make exemptions and allow us to meet again and be with you once more, one last time.

I wish there is really something like the one they have in “Eternal sunshine for the spotless mind”…