What I feel..

I’ve always wanted to have someone I could kiss under the rain. Not minding if we’d get sick or our gadgets broken. Someone I could share my crazy antics and blonde moments, yet still finds me beautiful. I know nobody’s perfect, I’d accept him for who he is. I don’t care if he has smelly feet or a messy room. As long as he can make me smile or laugh at times I’m feeling down, I’ll be more than happy to share my life with him with no doubt or second thoughts.

However, a series of events that occurred, I’ve become very cautious. There was one event in my life that, after leaving everything behind for someone, my dream, heart and soul, he was able to betray my trust and left me half dead. Not really half dead, but almost dead. I could only feel a faint pulse in me that time. I walked the streets with empty thoughts and emotionless. I couldn’t feel anything then, not even hunger. Even if I was stabbed on the streets at that time, I wouldn’t feel the pain and would close my eyes with a smile.

When I felt that my pulse became stronger, I self destructed and then cooled off. I straightened my life out because I wanted to find someone who’d be worthy of me. I was still cautious, but life has its own way of finding a loop hole and came across with someone who’s completely opposite of someone I’d like to have. Since I’ll only live once, I gave it a shot to see where this would take me. In the process of laying each of my cards, I found out that he’s married. He’s a few years younger; he doesn’t have a wife though, but has two of them and two firstborns. Sometimes, I don’t understand life’s humor, but I try to laugh with it.

I didn’t get angry about it and I find it really weird. I know I’m the emotional type of person. I’m like water, complicated but predictable. I guess, the reason why I didn’t get angry, is because I’m tired of feeling it. The pain feels the same though, but that was a different scenario. My head at that time tells me to get angry, but my body won’t respond. I even asked to meet up with him to clear things up and finish everything the proper way.

Those were the yester years. Today’s another day, another chance for me to breathe.

I’ve already moved on. I am now smiling, enjoying life and the littlest things I find of beauty. I am in control of my emotions and very protective of my fragile soul. I don’t say no to the things I know would give me happiness, pleasure or even a quick fix. It’s boring to be alone most of the time though. This is the only thing I am complaining about. My family’s okay, my work, I do have a few complaints about that, but can deal with it. Being alone is different. It’s something I have no control of, I guess.

I’m over with the process of absorbing the pain from my past relationships and getting over the guys I was with. It’s just that, it’s hard to trust somebody again, another male specie, not the process of starting all over. I’ve been dealing with them my whole life, and at this point, because of what I’ve gone through, it’s really difficult for me to trust my soul on their hands.

They say, happiness is by choice and I choose to be happy, but how could I be happy if I’m always alone? Wouldn’t it be weird if I’d laugh all by myself? Well, I can laugh even if I’m alone. That is if I’m reading a funny book or found something funny anywhere, the internet, inside or outside our house, etc. That’s a quick fix, but how about after that? Wouldn’t it be nice if you could be happy all the time?