Angst...

What really offends me is how you treat me. I've never done good in your eyes. Whenever i try to join a conversation, you always have the rudest word to say and embarrass me in front of everyone. You never know when to admit it's your fault because you never admitted anything. Thank God for patience, that even through the years that you've put me down, i have never disrespected you in front of those who love you. It's ok if people would think i am the bad person, the selfish, envious fool. I know the truth. The Man above knows the truth. I am not like you who is kind to her friends, but loves to make fun of me in front of them. I hope that you'd notice whenever you do that, one of them would always come to my rescue. And i know that makes you even more jealous. 

When you i see i am blessed you're never happy nor proud of me. You'd always do things, like get angry at me, complain about what i do, or use me for your convenience. Yes, i may be using whatever you are blessed with right now for my convenience, but i try to do my share in order for me to help out. I'd offer you help, you wouldn't accept it, yet there will be times you'd make me feel like i should be eternally grateful for i eat on the palm of your hands. 

Please don't ever think i wouldn't wanna help you when you're in need. I have always prayed that you'd be guided and that you'd also receive a miracle just like i did. What holds me back from helping you is you never kept your word whenever you make promises to me. That's why it is hard for me to trust you whenever you promise me something. One hundred percent of the time i lend you something, say money, i don't expect it to be returned. Because i know you never will. You always wanna have what i have. I never competed with you, i have always loved you. Looked up to you. I have idolized you when we were younger, but i can never let you take what is mine. My life and happiness.

Just this afternoon, i wanted to explode in anger with what you said. Your friend asked you about the business and you said we gave it up because of our wedding expenses. It's partly true, but you blew everything off. You asked us to have this business with you and then you just left us hanging saying you don't have the money. And then when we're at the brink of letting the place go, you suddenly wanted to put something up for yourself. I thought you've changed. I guess you haven't. You're just nice to your friends and a show off to our parents for they have never favored you.

I know if you'd read this, you'd say "i am not like that!" and then you'd start to tell me things i would never wanna hear and blame me for everything. That is why i always keep my mouth shut, because i don't wanna get hurt anymore. I love you, but i hope you'd love me too. I hope that you'd be happy of what i am having now. I have no properties, but i have love and i am happier than ever. I just want you to be happy for me.

I love you. Never forget that the same blood flows through our veins. Never forget that i have idolized you once and continued to respect you. I hope you'd save at least a little respect for me. Once i'm gone, i hope you'd remember how much of a help i was to you and your family. How much i've influenced your children to become better persons and how much i've tried my best to instill love and respect to them for each other. May you find love, just like i did. May you find happiness even in the simplest thing or way..

thought

have you ever missed someone so bad and can't tell it to them? have you ever felt having this thought in your head that you want that person to know, but too afraid that it might just ruin everything if you blurt it out? have you ever thought of telling someone how much you love them, but needed to hold it back because you don't want to get hurt again?

i want to tell him how much i miss him. how many times i think of him. imagining a life with him. i guess, i'm crazy for him. but, no, i think i'm in love with him. i wanted to ask him if he could just stay and chat with me because i've missed him so much and just to see his face relieves it and makes me really happy. but i can't. he has his own life too and i can't hold him down. i won't and don't want to. i love him despite of his shortcomings and imperfections for i am the same. i love him and still tries to wake up when he says that he'll be home in 3 hours, but would not receive even a phone call from him. i still would wait up on him if he'd say he'll be home in 3 hours but wouldn't really keep that promise. i love him even if he doesn't return my text messages or calls, for i know he has more than enough reason and i fully understand that. maybe you're thinking i'm crazy. yes, i am. crazily in love and loving him unconditionally. loving him and expecting nothing in return. i know he loves me, because he said so and i trust him.

trust is something that's really fragile and hard to keep. he's far away, people say he might be fooling around or doing some crazy things. apart from this, people say it's weird that i can't see much information on his facebook and wouldn't want me to tag him or post comments on his wall. i know that's weird, but whatever his excuse is, i understand why he's doing it. in the end, if he was fooling around, at least it wasn't me who wasted the opportunity to be loved. and i, for one, at least had the chance to love openly.

just a thought i'd like to share from someone who's loving selflessly..