What I feel..

I’ve always wanted to have someone I could kiss under the rain. Not minding if we’d get sick or our gadgets broken. Someone I could share my crazy antics and blonde moments, yet still finds me beautiful. I know nobody’s perfect, I’d accept him for who he is. I don’t care if he has smelly feet or a messy room. As long as he can make me smile or laugh at times I’m feeling down, I’ll be more than happy to share my life with him with no doubt or second thoughts.

However, a series of events that occurred, I’ve become very cautious. There was one event in my life that, after leaving everything behind for someone, my dream, heart and soul, he was able to betray my trust and left me half dead. Not really half dead, but almost dead. I could only feel a faint pulse in me that time. I walked the streets with empty thoughts and emotionless. I couldn’t feel anything then, not even hunger. Even if I was stabbed on the streets at that time, I wouldn’t feel the pain and would close my eyes with a smile.

When I felt that my pulse became stronger, I self destructed and then cooled off. I straightened my life out because I wanted to find someone who’d be worthy of me. I was still cautious, but life has its own way of finding a loop hole and came across with someone who’s completely opposite of someone I’d like to have. Since I’ll only live once, I gave it a shot to see where this would take me. In the process of laying each of my cards, I found out that he’s married. He’s a few years younger; he doesn’t have a wife though, but has two of them and two firstborns. Sometimes, I don’t understand life’s humor, but I try to laugh with it.

I didn’t get angry about it and I find it really weird. I know I’m the emotional type of person. I’m like water, complicated but predictable. I guess, the reason why I didn’t get angry, is because I’m tired of feeling it. The pain feels the same though, but that was a different scenario. My head at that time tells me to get angry, but my body won’t respond. I even asked to meet up with him to clear things up and finish everything the proper way.

Those were the yester years. Today’s another day, another chance for me to breathe.

I’ve already moved on. I am now smiling, enjoying life and the littlest things I find of beauty. I am in control of my emotions and very protective of my fragile soul. I don’t say no to the things I know would give me happiness, pleasure or even a quick fix. It’s boring to be alone most of the time though. This is the only thing I am complaining about. My family’s okay, my work, I do have a few complaints about that, but can deal with it. Being alone is different. It’s something I have no control of, I guess.

I’m over with the process of absorbing the pain from my past relationships and getting over the guys I was with. It’s just that, it’s hard to trust somebody again, another male specie, not the process of starting all over. I’ve been dealing with them my whole life, and at this point, because of what I’ve gone through, it’s really difficult for me to trust my soul on their hands.

They say, happiness is by choice and I choose to be happy, but how could I be happy if I’m always alone? Wouldn’t it be weird if I’d laugh all by myself? Well, I can laugh even if I’m alone. That is if I’m reading a funny book or found something funny anywhere, the internet, inside or outside our house, etc. That’s a quick fix, but how about after that? Wouldn’t it be nice if you could be happy all the time?

younger men vs older guys

I’ve always been an extremist. I would either come to like a guy who’s extremely geeky or a super bad boy. Age doesn’t really matter; however, I’ve noticed things that made me come to a decision and that is, to hate all men alive.

Younger men have this tendency of wanting you to take care of them. Some would even bluntly ask money from you as if you’re their mommy. Some would just contact you whenever they feel it, as if you’re their girlfriend only at a time they feel like. Some would ask you out almost every day, but who’s gonna pay? ME, of course. A few would only offer to split the check.

Older guys, on the other hand, would take you to luxurious places, would be manly enough to pay for the check, take you home and do those chivalry stuff. The snitch is, you would have to be their slave. Yes, oh yes, their slave. You would have to follow their rules because if you don’t, they’ll leave you behind.

Another thing I also noticed between them is the way they dump me. ROFL. Yes, how they’ve dumped me. Younger men don’t have the balls to tell it to your face, while older guys would just pull it off anytime and anywhere they want. They’d even let you get off their car and leave you in the middle of nowhere.

Do you see what I mean? Why I hate men? I’ve loved them with all of my heart and soul, but they would either just dump me for another girl or straightforwardly tell me that they’re not interested anymore. I ask myself sometimes, don’t I deserve to be loved the way I want it to be? Or is this the love I really deserve? I’ve asked myself those questions over and over, but, yeah, I couldn’t answer it on my own. I hope soon I’d be able to answer them.

In the meantime, I think I might consider getting involved with another girl.

thinking of you..

Have you ever thought of meeting your soulmate? I think I’ve already met mine and let him go away. Yes, I know, it’s so stupid of me. But wherever he is, as long as I know he’s happy, I’m happy. We only get a single chance to meet your real other half, and I think I blew mine. Even if I’d walk the earth for a billion centuries, I won’t be able to see him again. Not in this lifetime, not in any lifetime.

I’ve read that once a person dies, his or her soul is divided into two, a male and a female soul. They’d be separated and placed in two different bodies, race, age, location, etc. At the right age and time, you’ll be let go to look for each other. Aside from doing the routine you need to do to live, working and stuff, unconsciously, you’d be searching for the one that’ll compliment you. Not everybody gets to meet their soulmate. Some perish without even meeting theirs.

I’ve seen what it’s like to be with your soulmate. I’ve also felt what it’s like to be with him, yes, my soulmate. When you’re with the pair of your soul, it doesn’t really matter how difficult life is. You’d never care what’s happening around you and what people think. All you know is that you’re happy, content, and satisfied. But I was dim-witted enough and took him for granted. All these years, I thought he used me and took me for granted, but it was really the other way around. I admit, I am unhappy, lonely and depressed. It took me years to realize all of these.

He had always been there and I never saw that. I asked too much of him or from him that I burned him out. I was the reason why he did what he did back then. I pushed him in doing it and I looked at it as I was the victim. I didn’t know I’ve abused him.

It is true that I’ve given everything up for him, but he placed his life on the line for me without asking for it. And whenever I think of that, it still makes me cry. I still would like to apologize, but I know it’s too late. Much as I’d like to have him back, the question is, would he take me back? I need not to ask him that, because I know what his answer will be. It will be NO.

In this lifetime, I’ve attempted several times asking him to take me back. Even when we were both free, he made it clear that I have hurt him too much that taking me back is like cutting his flesh and letting himself bleed to death. If I could only turn back the time, I’d take back everything I said, admit my mistakes and change the way I treated him. I know it’s too late, my pair is gone. His wound is now a scar, yet mine still bleeds.

If you are reading this, with a heavy heart, I am letting you go. I want you to be happy and I know you are now. To see you smile and gleeful with someone who loves you, will make my soul at peace.

If you are reading this, I hope you’ve forgiven me for all the things I did, from the petty ones to the part where I cursed you to endure the suffering I claimed I’ve gone through. Forgive me for being such a brat whenever I can’t find the things I need. Forgive me for the physical and emotional pain I’ve inflicted. Forgive me for everything I’ve said. You won and I’ve lost. I am happy that you are happy. I hope to meet you again next lifetime, and if I did, I’ll be very careful not to lose you again. I hope the Man above would make exemptions and allow us to meet again and be with you once more, one last time.

I wish there is really something like the one they have in “Eternal sunshine for the spotless mind”…

In pursuit..

there's this guy i really like and i started a plot on how i'd get his name. i was in the hallway one time, taking something from my locker. I stood up and was about to walk towards the office pantry, when suddenly, this guy who came from the pantry was looking at me. he was looking at me, directly at my eyes. So i looked back. we were walking towards each other, staring at each other's eyes until we got pass each other, without saying anything. possibly our eyes might have talked, i really would never know.

there's something in him that i find really interesting. it's not the way he carries his clothes or the way he talks. he only wears a shirt, a pair of jeans and a pair of pink chucks. i've never heard him talk, i always see him in the pantry watching tv and eating his lunch. that's about it. but we always "bump" into each other and always ended looking at each other's eyes.

he doesn't look like some mysterious guy to me. i guess, i find him interesting because he's always by himself. i don't see him at our smoking area, so i guess he doesn't smoke. i find him very simple, yet there is something i want to know. i'm just not sure what that is, but i really want to know who he is. i like him.

so going back to that day where i almost melted because he never took his eyes off of mine in that hallway. i told myself, i need to do something. i need to get his name. i need to know who he really is, because, in all honesty, it's driving me crazy. rofl. i told myself if i see him today, i'll suck all my courage up and ask for his name. i'll start with his name and then i'll go from there. haha!

one day i went to work, full hearted to ask for that very important piece of information. i waited in the pantry, trying to see if he'll come in. the plan needs to be delivered. that's what i was feeling then. in my head, i was formulating a plan on how i'd get his name. i was planning on catching him in the pantry, sitting alone and eating his lunch. and i'm going to approach him and ask if somebody sits next to him and take that seat and try to start a chat or something. but everytime i go to the pantry, i can feel that my heart is going to pop out of my chest or something. like it's going to burst and kill me. rofl.

two days passed and no name was asked because i wasn't able to see him in the pantry. i just told myself that maybe it wasn't meant to happen. i let go of the thought of getting to know him or at least having his name.

then came a time, i was in the pantry and saw him sitting next to a coworker, eating lunch. i know this is the only time i can do this. so i waited a bit. looking for the right moment to get what i wanted. i saw him stood up and grabbed some water, so i went to my locker and saw that the hallway's deserted. i can feel that that was the time for it.

he came out of the pantry and started walking towards where i am. after passing me, i said, "excuse me, may i ask for your name?" and he did give it to me, no questions asked. i later on realized that after that short conversation, i was smiling, smiling like guy smiley of sesame street. rofl.

that made me really happy. i was so happy that i don't want to see him again. i don't think i have the guts to see him face to face after that. but i'll be happy if i'd get to at least hang out with him and know him better.

so far, i'm just with a name and a guy. nothing more, nothing else. i hope this pushes through.